I Lesbian Have A Crush On A Straight Girl And She Knows Im Gay But Still Cuddles With Me And Holds My Hand What Does This Mean How Do I Know If Shes Bi Pan Etc – When Kate Murray and Andy Arnold started dating in their twenties, they were part of a neighborhood lesbian group of friends. The couple and their friends went out almost every weekend, throwing parties and attending ladies’ nights at local gay bars.
Then two years ago, Andy came out as transgender. As she walked with Kate’s support, the couple suddenly felt they didn’t belong in the “female-oriented” spaces they were used to. They tried out a new group of friends, a “white board,” where Andy didn’t have to talk about his trans identity, he said. It is only “visible” to a man.
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To the new friends, they were just Andy and Kate – a man dating a woman. And Andy liked it. But Keith, “it felt like a lie,” he said. She wanted to express her unique personality, she said, but how could she do it without offending Andy?
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As for the engaged couple, Andy said “there are no real answers to that question.”
“As much as I want to separate my trans identity from who I am, I can’t. “I can’t separate it from my relationship with Kate because she’s a wonderful woman,” Andy said. “It’s a daily dance we navigate.”
This tension is a daily reality for many nervous couples who feel that others are at odds with their reality.
Their experiences are reminiscent of the phenomenon of “passing,” the assumption of whiteness based on physical appearance to someone who is able to escape the discrimination and privilege historically used in conversations about race.
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First, many LGBTQ people are open about their identity and do not intend to attract others. According to Carla A. Pfeffer, it is a misunderstanding of other people based on the tendency to easily categorize other people by making strong judgments about them based on factors such as their appearance or who they have met. Professor of Sociology at the University of South Carolina. Pfeffer wrote a book about partnerships between transgender men and cisgender women, meaning their gender matches the gender on their birth certificate.
(The purpose of this tendency is not to sort other people based on snap judgments. In an evolutionary sense, such sorting allowed people to use their brains more efficiently without considering each decision individually.)
Second, for many transgender men and women, “passing” as male or female is not just a means to gain privilege, safety, or comfort. It can also confirm their identity, how they feel about themselves.
“I want to be seen as a man. “I don’t want to be labeled ‘I’m trans,'” Andy said. “I think Kate and I would have an easier time if I wanted to. Some people think, “I should represent the group I belong to.” But not me – I just want to hang out.”
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Many Americans still struggle to understand that gender and sexual orientation are independent of each other—a person’s gender does not determine who they like.
Transgender and non-binary people differ from the gender on their birth certificate. But, for example, a transsexual man may be attracted only to women, or only to men, or both. It totally depends on the person.
And if someone changes in a relationship, it does not necessarily change their partner’s sexual orientation. Just because Kate isn’t dating a woman anymore doesn’t mean she’s not hot anymore.
The division of identities within the LGBTQ community has become more complex as more categories of gender identities and sexual orientations have emerged, many of which defy traditional binaries. More and more people now identify as non-binary, meaning they are not exclusively male or female. Terms like “pansexual” have emerged to describe people who are attracted to the full spectrum of gender identities.
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“It’s a lot harder now to know which category [people] fall into, or to assume you know,” Pfeffer said. “People feel they have a right to know who they are and to be recognized for who they are.”
In some ways, Kate and Andy’s struggles mirror the experiences of bisexual people in straight relationships. “All of a sudden, that sexuality is completely gone — they’re seen as very important heterosexuals all over the world,” Pfeffer said.
4 out of 10 LGBT adults in the United States identify as bisexual. According to a June Pew Research Center analysis of Stanford University survey data, 9 out of 10 bisexuals with partners are married or in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex.
Deidre Pilcher, a mother of three in Frederick, married a man who was a safety net for her conservative Mormon family. (Her husband is cisgender.)
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“I don’t need to be bullied by my team, and sometimes I feel guilty that I can hide,” Pilcher, 40, said. “I am not obliged to pay social insurance. “My kids won’t pay.”
But “transition” has been a double-edged sword for Pilcher in recent years, as he’s become more comfortable being open about his gender identity. Whether at a Pride parade or in classes in her graduate program in marriage and family therapy, she gets angry when people think she’s right. It is becoming more and more important for him to be open about his friends.
“It’s a form of constant mental gymnastics. I recognize my privilege and I try to support the LGBT community as much as I can, but it seems like it would help if they let me in,” Pilcher said. “We like to bring people together in groups in a clean way. . . . But people are not so simple.”
Kate Murray looks “very feminine” in her clothes and appearance, he said. Over the years, his sexual orientation became apparent to the outside world through his romantic relationships with women. And now that he’s not dating a woman, he’s quite right “if” it annoys him.
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When Kate recently went to a lesbian bar in the county wearing a hot pink dress and birthday tiara for her birthday, “it was clear to my friends that the bartender thought I was a straight girl, a gay bar.” – he said. Judging by his appearance and who he was with, it was not clear that he was beautiful.
Kate’s quiet personality has always been a major part of her life. Both mothers who worked at Wellesley College used donor sperm to conceive; Kate was one of the first children born to lesbians at Wellesley, she said. “It was a big deal.”
But Kate says she felt her mother expected her to marry a man – perhaps because they both came from conservative families and experienced the challenges of coming out in less accepted times. gay couples.
Kate felt her parents’ relief when Andy came out as transsexual. When Andy and Kate visited some conservative relatives in Illinois last year, their mother told them, “It’s a thousand times easier for them than bringing a woman here.”
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Kate’s moms recently hosted two wedding shows – one focused more on her and the other on Andy. At Andy’s party, all the decorations had a rainbow theme. The cookies had rainbow sprinkles. The plates are decorated with the words “Love is love”. But Kate’s party was more like a traditional bridal shower. Everything is pink. While the couple appreciated both sides, they were surprised by the decorations.
The parties gave Kate the impression that her parents saw Andy’s transgender identity as “one of his defining characteristics,” she said.
“We want to be treated as men and women like everyone else, but we want our core personalities to be recognized in some way,” he said. “My love for Andy might be my weakness, and that’s where his transience lies. I think it’s hard to understand such fluency.”
There will be no rainbows at an October wedding at a county hotel, Kate said. But they hope to express their individuality in small ways.
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Andy is Jewish, so the couple knew they wanted to incorporate the traditional clinking of glasses into their wedding ceremony. But instead of a bar